20 - Adir

       I wonder if it is morning? There are no windows, but the atmosphere has that weary, chilled feeling of another day dawning. I should have gone long ago, this party has brought me nothing... but, where better could I be? Best to remain among my own... I should never have thought Sadie could be enough for me. I... there is no reason that she ought to have been so upset, to have... I am deserving of so much more than she could ever have offered! I will remain here, among my own, indulging every whim, and I will not think of her. I will not! She is not worth my effort. None of them are. I am above them all.
       ...so why, then, is my heart still in a knot, unable to beat, without her near me? without knowing she will answer when I call? There is nothing she offered me that I cannot find here, and yet... and yet...
       Sighing heavily, I pull my frame from the divan, leaning wearily against the cushioned back. My eyes are dull with wine-induced sleep, and sleep brings me little refreshment even on better nights. This night should have... it was, it was lovely, the women were so engaging and eager, my blood thrilled at such wild displays. Captured in the music, blood subsumed by wine, there was such a feral pleasure in all of our bodies... My eyes still refuse to focus, but I slide the vine-wrapped limbs of a woman away from my side, and slide carefully away from a sleeping young man. I should have returned to my apartments hours ago... I should not have remained while the party tired around me, motions made sluggish in exhaustion, spirits weighed down by the first breaths of regret.
       Regret. An odd thing. Why fret over things that Time has walked on by? There is nothing that can be done about them now. They are only experiences, they were only the motions of a body, the dying waves in air made by speech, all is fleeting and leaves no real trace behind. I lift a half-full glass of wine from the floor at my feet, take a long sip, letting the tart liquid ease the cloying dryness of my long-empty mouth. I stand, and stretch, my muscles feeling so tired and heavy. I gather the remainder of my clothing, pulling it on thoughtlessly, annoyed by the sticky feeling of fabric that is no longer fresh. There is motion still in the room, though whether it is from persons who are waking or those who have not yet slept, I do not know, nor care. I am bored with this place. Mephisto had a lovely arrangement for the music, and it was sufficient for a short evening, but he really failed to think through the entire event. Were the wine not so good as it was, we should have found ourselves bored far sooner...
       It takes several minutes to exit the room, for the floor is covered in flesh and discarded fabric, emptied goblets and their spilled contents, trailing grape vines and a few neglected instruments. The hallway beyond is empty, though I can hear voices in low conversation in several of the rooms that I pass as I walk along toward the exit. I have nearly found my way out – the hallways intersect in strange ways, and I may have made a few incorrect turnings – when I find someone else walking the hall.
       “Adir? Are you leaving? Splendid.” Turning around, Carey takes my arm, and falls into step beside me. “Have you any destination in mind? This party lost its energies hours ago, though being otherwise occupied in another room, I hadn't noticed until now. The club? We might have a drink, and discuss the latest news?”
       “Mmm. If you wish – I have little preference.”
       Carey looks into my face curiously, not used to hearing such flatness in my tone. But I have no energy to concern myself with his assumptions. If he wishes to talk, I will listen, and perhaps the distraction will settle my restless mind.

       It is rainy and dull outdoors, and the hour is far too early to be about. Businessmen stride with determined paces and stony faces. Servant women huddle under drab and faded shawls, oversized baskets empty as they make the morning rounds of shopping. I lean my forehead against the glass of the carriage window, gazing dully out, letting the coolness of the glass slow the whirling thoughts screaming of nothing in my head. Carey chatters on – I do not bother to reply, and I am sure he is aware I am not listening. But he continues on, perhaps knowing that I find the low hum of his voice soothing, perhaps only wishing to hear himself speak.
       “Jocelyn is in town again, did you see her last night? Perhaps not, for she was not in the main room for long, retreating to an atrium where she could more properly hold court. She is more imperious than ever, I think Paris is turning her into something of a snob, even among our sort. She hardly spoke to me at all. She seemed thrilled to have seen Luce, yet I know he has little affection for her shallow manipulations. She was entirely disgusted by Claude, but I don't know anyone who wasn't last night, he was so awfully drunk! It is one thing to release a little control to the alcohol of course, quite liberating and relaxing, but he retained no trace at all of propriety. Such a child. It was embarrassing to even look at him. If only Meres had not left so quickly, perhaps he could have kept the boy a little more in line.”
       None of this is news to me. Why must he repeat things which are so obvious to all? Now I suppose he is going to discuss the conflict between Meres and Veri.
       “I am still surprised that Veri showed up only after Meres left – so strange, the distance between them of late, don't you think?”
       I sigh heavily, shifting in my seat, turning a little more toward the window. There is nothing out there in the gray streets to hold my attention, yet it seems more appealing just now than Carey's useless babbling. But there--- He has put a hand on my knee, and fallen silent. I let him wait a painful moment, before I turn my head to look at him.
       Oh for the love of--- He looks concerned! I do not have the energy for this today. “Carey, I'm afraid I am more tired than I thought. You must excuse my rudeness, but I have little energy for gossip so early in the day. Enjoy yourself at the club, but I will continue on home. I feel I should rest.”
       “Then I will accompany you there! We might sit in the library with the shades drawn and---”
       “Carey. Please.”
       The air in the carriage becomes chilly, and I will not meet his eyes again. There is a heavy silence, and after some small eternity, the carriage comes to a stop. A moment's hesitation, then the door opens, another moment, then it closes.
       The carriage slowly rolls back into motion, and I fall back across the seat, sprawling my length upon it. I am so weary... there are no thoughts in my mind, and yet it will not be silent. I need some stronger distraction... but what?
       Oh, Sadie... why did you have to slight me so? Why refuse to open your door, why keep silent against my pleas? Why keep silent, only to break into meaningless screams, making insane demands of me? Sadie, I had thought of nothing but you while you were gone, and when you returned, I wanted only to be with you... What difference should a few hours make? I was there soon enough. My life is so long... hours are of no consequence, even to your short score of years of life. Why should you have believed the tittering gossip and whispered words of jealous old women, when I lied so prettily to you?
       Sadie, I would have lavished such wonders upon you, Sadie, I was so desperate to lie in your arms, I would have forsaken all others for weeks, would you only have let me stay in yours...
       Sadie, I asked no forgiveness, only forgetfulness, could you not have granted it? Why did you let me in, only to bar all entrance to your companionship? Sadie, I could have given you... but you forbade me any slight thing I asked, and Sadie, oh Sadie, why did you treat me so rashly? Sadie, you know I have no patience for such belligerence, I have been patient so often, but not when so desperately in need of your solace... You know I am stronger, more powerful than you could ever hope, did you not think I would take what I needed, if you would not give it? Oh, Sadie, Sadie, my love and my desire, the siren who could soothe all my heart's heavy troubles, the enchantress whose embrace made all memory disappear... how could you threaten to take yourself from me? You knew I could not stand to see you with another. Sadie... a few short hours late, and so much changed. You should not have threatened me so, you should not have let his name pass over your deep lips. I could not hear another's name from you. I could not. You must have understood that, Sadie, you knew I could not hear that from you...
       And so, if you would give me silence, I would make certain you could not give more to another. If you would deny me your sweet embrace, I would not allow another to have it. If you would keep from me the absolution your presence brings... I could not let another bask in that warm comfort.
       Sadie, my beloved, if you would take yourself from me, I would not let the world secret you away for itself. None could be more worthy of you than me, and so...
       And so, if I could not have you, none other would, and so... and so you are now lost to us all.